Like every good driver, even good parents have blind spots. Sometimes the most well-meaning of efforts to parent better than they were parented can promote a disconnect between parents and their adult children. It’s tragic that such good intentions can lead to such surprising and disappointing results, in many cases. In this two-episode series (listen …
Like every good driver, even good parents have blind spots. Sometimes the most well-meaning of efforts to parent better than they were parented can gradually promote a disconnect that affects relations between parents and adult children. It’s tragic that parents’ good intentions can lead to such surprising and disappointing results, in many cases. In this …
Once they realize the relationship is in trouble, many parents of estranged adult children are genuinely eager to make any necessary amends. Rejected parents who send apologies want their child(ren) to know they understand the issues that led to the cut-off, and that they’re ready (or working toward readiness) for a new and better relationship. …
Some time ago, your adult child asked you to give him space. He became estranged. But now he’s reached out to you. The door has been opened at last! You send your child an invitation, a photo, or a link. And… he’s gone again. What happened? Why does an adult child reach out to her …
Vicious. Nasty. Controlling. Mean. How do you feel when you read those words? If you’ve been thinking about your estranged adult child(ren) in these terms, the language you’re using may be affecting your ability to solve the problem of estrangement. Compare “My child is being cruel” with “I miss feeling close and connected.” The first …
If you’ve ever apologized to your estranged adult child and included the fact that you’re not perfect, chances are you didn’t tell them anything they didn’t already know. If they’re honest with themselves, estranged adult children also know that they’re not perfect, either. Because no one is. “I’m not perfect” is a common refrain from …
Have you ever heard the following rules of thumb for parents of estranged adult children? “Always give your estranged adult child the last word when texting.” “Never reach out to them if they’ve asked for no contact.” “Don’t send gifts.” “You have to apologize if you want to reconcile.” These rules of thumb get bandied …
Parents of adult children, whether estranged or not, sometimes (or often) bump into boundaries they didn’t know were there. They might be asked to call before dropping in, to speak to their child’s spouse a certain way, or to respect a grandchild’s dietary restrictions, bedtime or other limits. Even when boundary lines are clearly drawn, …
Parent-adult child estrangement is essentially a communication problem. Many unwillingly estranged parents are dismayed by what they view as a lack of communication skills in their adult children. “If only he’d tell me what’s wrong,” they lament. Or, “Why does she have to such awful language?” Fortunately, communication takes two. If you have any contact …
Family conflict is inherently dramatic. This is according to one dictionary that defines drama as “any situation or series of events having vivid, emotional, conflicting, or striking interest or results, e.g. the drama of a murder trial.” The dictionary might as well have used parent-adult child estrangement as an example of drama, since it entails …
Part of the pain of being rejected by an adult child is knowing how much, and for how long, you sacrificed energy and time to parent her or him. You did as well as you could within the given circumstances. Why can’t your adult child cut you some slack? Estrangement can uncover expectations of reciprocity …
Once they recover from the shock of realizing their adult children have become estranged, many parents are quick to apologize in order to make things right. While the desire to make amends usually comes from a good place, early apologies can miss the mark. Before you consider apologizing to an estranged adult child, first ask …
You thought you had some inkling as to why your adult son or daughter decided to cut you off. But now you find out she or he has told someone else a different story. Or maybe you’ve heard several new reasons for the estrangement through the grapevine, that your child never mentioned to you. You …
Raise your hand if you think your estranged adult child’s spouse or partner is the main cause of the estrangement between you. If your hand is raised, you have lots of company. Parents who are unwillingly estranged from an adult child often worry that a son- or daughter-in-law has driven a wedge between them. They …
It’s upsetting enough to be estranged from your adult child or children. But when your child lies to you, you may find another level of pain. Tina talks in this episode about why it feels so upsetting when your adult child is less than honest with you, and why a basically decent, mostly honest person …
This episode was inspired by a question Tina was asked during a consultation with a parent who had a history of trauma: “Am I too broken to go near my adult child?” The short answer, in case you don’t have time to listen to this episode, is no. You may have trauma from the past …
If only we always did what we know we should do, instead of what we somehow end up doing despite our better judgment. When it comes to reconnecting with estranged adult children, many parents have good information to go on, and even better intentions. They know what to do, whether it be listening more, reaching …
Over two episodes, 108 and 109, Tina touches on six obstacles that challenge parents trying to reconnect with their estranged adult children. The inspiration for this two-parter came from Tina’s work with hundreds of rejected parents. As an estrangement counselor, she kept seeing parents running into the same six obstacles: Confusion, comparison, defensiveness, paralysis, emotional …
Over two episodes, 108 and 109, Tina touches on six obstacles that challenge parents trying to reconnect with their estranged adult children. The inspiration for this two-parter came from Tina’s work with hundreds of rejected parents. As an estrangement counselor, she kept seeing parents running into the same six obstacles: Confusion, comparison, defensiveness, paralysis, emotional …
Estrangement from your adult child(ren) presents a special sorrow during the holiday season. Part of the suffering is inevitable for parents; the loss of connection to one’s own children hurts. But there’s another aspect of estrangement that you can do something about today. And that is to reconnect with yourself, through the practice of staying …
