Prefer listening to reading? Listen to the 4-part series on validation from the Reconnection Club Podcast, starting with Episode 198: Validation (Or Lack Thereof).
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If you feel deeply sad about the emotional distance between yourself and your adult child, that makes sense because you’ve lost the fulfilling connection you used to enjoy. Or maybe you haven’t had that quality of connection since they were very small. Or ever.
Even if temporary, the loss of the parent-child connection, or of the idea of that connection, can be devastating. It’s natural to grieve such a painful loss.
If you feel angry or resentful toward your estranged adult child, it makes sense because their rejection seems like an injustice. You gave so much to them, for so many years. And now it feels like you’re being repaid with indifference or even cruelty. We humans can’t stand injustice. It’s natural to be angry, and to resent what feels like inappropriate, poor treatment.
If you feel embarrassed or humiliated by your child’s unexpected and seemingly extreme behavior, that makes sense when you believe that other parents all enjoy close relationships with their adult children. It might feel like there’s something wrong with you. And it would be awful for others to discover that through your child or children’s estrangement.
If you feel hurt, frustrated, insecure or fearful (e.g., of losing your child forever), those all make sense. There are reasons for everything we feel, even if other people don’t understand. Even when we ourselves don’t understand our feelings, they do make sense.
Validate yourself by finding ways to fill in the blanks:
“I feel hurt because _______. It’s okay for me to feel hurt by this.”
“I feel frustrated by _______. Frustration is normal when we try really hard and don’t get results.”
“I feel insecure about _______. When something so important is uncertain, we all tend to feel insecure.”
“I feel afraid of _______. That is a frightening thought! No wonder it scares me.”
No matter what you may feel, including confusion and even numbness, your experience makes sense in context.
This post has validated some feelings common to unwillingly estranged parents. This is what validation looks and feels like.
How to do it? Name the feelings. Find the ways they make sense. Say so. That’s all there is to it.
Don’t be fooled by its simplicity; validation is powerful medicine.
One last tip: Get good at validating yourself before trying it with others.
For more descriptions and tips about validation, read the Reconnection Club’s article on Validation and Estrangement.
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